Free as a Bird

“So…” says Pete, looking seductive and rogue-ish, “I have a clean bill of health and I’m not a wanted criminal… wanna take me out on the town and show me a good time?”

I lean my head back on the wall and sigh. I’ve got a pounding stress headache, black circles under my eyes, and my work is just a little pissed off with me for disappearing for another ‘family crisis’. Fuck it all.

I look at Pete and smirk.

“Once upon a time,” I drawl, “it was the man who had to show the chick a good time… thank God for feminism, eh?”

He laughs, and winces, grabbing his side.

“Clean bill of health, eh? Better not take you riding.”

****

The place is dark and crowded, lit by occasional strobes and – funnily enough – a mirror ball with one red light aimed at it, so that little dots of pink light wander around and around the room. I buy a bottle of water and swill it down, all in one go. The secret to not getting your drink spiked is simple – buy sealed, drink bloody fast.

Pete orders a beer, takes a mouthful, then leaves the plastic cup sitting next to him on the bar, oblivious to the fact that he’s blocking the dozens of people trying to buy drinks. That boy would enjoy having his drink spiked.

I shrug, toss my empty bottle at a bin, and slide out into the closest bit of dance space. I close my eyes and give myself up to the rhythm of the dance music.

Maybe hours later, a tap on my shoulder brings me back to reality.

Pete, with two women who are both dressed like Madonna in her ‘Like a Virgin’ days. Ugh. Especially the big hair. He winks and tips his head to the side – he’s out of here. Well, duh.

I smile and nod, then close my eyes again. Dance has given way to light trance music, and it suits my mood perfectly. I sway, feeling bodies move back into place all around me, all undulating in beautiful synchronicity. I’m all me, and I’m part of The Whole.

****

“Rough night?”

Pete is red-eyed and wobbling where he stands – and most doctors would probably put him straight back in hospital.

“Two transvestites spiked my drink and shagged me all night, and I think -” he winces, “they broke some more ribs.”

I can’t help it. I laugh.

Pete scowls at me and grabs my drink, takes a large mouthful, then spits most of it out.

“UGH! What the hell IS that?” he sputters.

“Wheatgrass and pineapple,” I say, and drain the remainder before he can chuck it out on me.

“Should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention,” he says, and staggers around my hotel room.

“Coffee’s over there,” I say, and point to the cupboard over the sink.

He grunts, and starts making himself a cup, using both coffee packets and all the sugar and Extra.

“Milk?”

“Nah, not enough class for free milk.”

“Shit!” he says, and sips the black coffee, making faces.

Foot in Mouth

“I’m funny, aren’t I?” Pete asks me.

“Course you are!” I said.

“Huh – that nurse just glared at me and walked off… she should’ve been in hysterics!”

“Well, Pete darl – you do have a bad case of foot-in-mouth at times. Like – the proctologist joke?”

“Now what the hell was wrong with that? Come on – a proctologist is sick of people not understanding what he does then running away once he’s told them, and so he decides to tell ‘em he talks to arseholes all day. And when he tries it out on a cute blonde, she says to him -”

“’- Oh, you’re a legal secretary too?’ Yeah, that’s funny as hell – unless you tell it at a lawyer’s funeral, schmuck!”

“Aw, c’mon, everyone needed cheering up!”

“It’s a funeral, Pete – we’re all standing around trying to think fond thoughts about the dead guy, and you remind us he’s a lawyer?”

Pete snickers.

“So what’d you say to the cute little nurse?”

“I told her she had a bum just like Bridget Jones’”

I choke.

He looks aggrieved.

“I didn’t even get the chance to tell her I’d like to park MY bike in it!”

I give up. Keeping in the laughter will give me hiccups in a second.

“WHAT????” demands Pete, confused as all hell.

Just Visiting

I look around.

Lots of white and stainless steel, all disinfected to within an inch of its life. Cheap-arse floral curtains that even an op-shop wouldn’t find appealing.

I sigh. Every time I wonder why I hated the last hospital visit… only to remember as soon as I step back into one. Soul-less places devoted to healing the body while crucifying the spirit. Eurgh.

Pete’s up on the fourth floor. The lift is full of people looking hopeless and people looking hopeful and holding flowers. Patients and visitors. Even without the crappy blue and white hospital-issue jarmies, the difference is bleeding obvious. Except for one woman who stands in the back corner of the lift, dressed in an expensive business suit, and cries silently. I don’t want to know. No, really, you’re not going to get an expose of some cute little kid with inoperable cancer that’ll show you how caring I am. I don’t want to know.

I’m directed to a single room. Lucky bastard! I’ve never gotten a single room in all my public hospital stays. Then, following the nurse in, I see the reason. A big, scary dude in a cop’s uniform glowers at me.

Pete’s under police guard. This can’t be good.

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