Blind Date

Hi. My name is Superman Jones.

‘Scuse me while I turn and cough in an embarrassed manner. Most people don’t mind – gives them a chance to smirk and maybe come up with something to say.

Yeah. Superman. Really. And let’s get it all out of the way at once, OK? Stupid of me, but I actually grew up with a name like that and went into journalism. Except I do the hot-off-the-press type stuff in the extremely early hours. Superman by day, mild-mannered reporter at night. Relatively mild-mannered. Ummm… actually, a bit of a temper. *sigh*

Oh. Defensive? Umm, yeah. Sorry. It’s just that I find it easiest to get it all out there straightaway, that way I’m not inadvertently making people laugh all night. So, interested in staying for dinner, or has the whole Superman-intensity scared you off? No? Tough gal!

Waiter! Menus, please? Drink for you? Gin and tonic for me, thanks.

So, how about you? First off, what’s your name? Tell me it’s Lois Lane and I may just have to scream!

Oh no, you’re kidding me?

Seriously?

Holy shit. What sort of parent does that to their child?

Umm, yeah, if mine weren’t dead, they probably would get along.

Alright, ridiculous names aside… tell me about you. What do you do with this thing called life?

Journalism? Seriously? Oh, that’s too cute. I knew something was up when Jessie told me she had the perfect woman for me. Not that you might not be my perfect woman, mind you. I’m pretty impressed so far. Where do you work?

Ahhh – the women’s magazine! I love it. Well, some of it. Beauty tips are a bit over my head, and there are far too many ads, but some of those articles – fantastic! What do you write? Wait, let me guess – the beauty tips!

*laugh*

Thank God. Wouldn’t want to mortally offend you! The sex tips? Cripes, woman, if I didn’t read that stuff already, I’d be scared stiff! The last thing a man wants is to be shown up in the bedroom!

Umm, yeah, even if it’s a blow-job. Come to think of it, I don’t remember reading about that in Cosmo. Why not? Not PC? Or has no male ever admitted that before?

Crikey, woman, 10 minutes into the first date, and we’re talking about sex! Does that mean you like me?

Ouch. I deserved that.

So, do you enjoy your work? Frankly, it sounds more interesting than what I do.

Yeah, you would think it’d be intriguing, hey? But there’s only so much you can learn about human nature before it all gets samey, you know? And the sort of stuff I deal with isn’t exactly human-interest fluffy feel-good. It’s all fires and sieges and murders and rapes and suicides (we don’t report those, but we hear about them alright) and… yeah, you get the idea.

Mmmm… it does get depressing.

But writing about sex – does that get a bit samey occasionally?

Ya-huh.

Hmmm.

With an elephant??

Well, yeah. So there are bright spots in the dull miasma, hey?

*laugh*

Oh – yeah, the spaghetti royale for me, thanks, and – wine? House red? Thanks.

So tell me – what exactly was she doing with this elephant? And can you really print that shit?

Ahhhh, sell it to the American tabloids. Nice. I can see National Enquirer lapping it up, especially if you have fuzzy photos! It would be a bit too much for the Aussie ones, unless there are celebrities involved. Even Today Tonight would probably run screaming.

Yeah, good point, work is boring. Ummm… hobbies? Saving the world, of course. See? I have my blue cape in my briefcase. Useful tip for you – never fly drunk. Seems like a great idea, until you hit your first pigeon.

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5 Comments

  1. I won’t say that I was enthralled, but you definitely kept me interested. The choice of voice is fairly unusual, but I do have one niggling question – does he actually say “sigh”? Because Jones’ laughter appears to be asterisked, whereas his sighing is simply melded with his dialogue.

    It was funny, although I found it a little lacking – not really much to it besides a guy with a strange name who meets a woman who happens to have the perfect complementary name. Combined with the lack of commentary and this guy’s pretty lowbrow style of speaking, it comes off as trite. Your writing flowed well, felt natural as I read (besides the aforementioned “sigh” thing which threw me off the tiniest bit) and engaged me well enough, so really it’s the underlying idea I’m having trouble with. Lacked closure, I guess is what struck me. It just sort of tails off at the end; maybe there’s a little twist, maybe there isn’t, but it feels disconnected even as it is a continuation of the gag.

    Definitely solid though, I look forward to reading more by you.

  2. Hi, Samazing, thanks for visiting 🙂

    Yup, I agree with your comments. It was quite hard to keep things interesting in that style, and very hard to keep it from simply tailing off into sheer boredom. Hrmmm. Not a style I feel comfortable in.

    I fixed the *sigh* – that was an easy one!

    I’d be interested to see your comments on other stories here.

  3. This piece is like the transcript of one side of a conversation. Where’s the conflict? What’s the setting? I agree with Samazing, and I also think you write smoothly, but I really wanted more in this piece. I really missed the revealing body language of a first date, the eyes and looks, what does he do with his hands?, etc. So, this is a rough beginning, but to where? Cinda

  4. I had recently read a story similar to this (in style, first person narrative non-stop) so I was familiar with the style.

    I liked it, especially Superman. He talks on and on, and occasionally says the wrong thing. You learn a lot about him and his date even though you technically never hear her say a word.

    • Sorrel – I’m glad you liked it – I think you’ve been the first one! 😀 I find it kinda cute, but as the writer I’m generally biased anyhow…


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