Tiger Lily

“He talks…” I say with feeling, “Mostly he tells me – to kill people. You know. People he doesn’t like.”

The look on the shrink’s face? Straight face? FAIL. Bahahaha!

And then I lost it, and had to laugh.

He smiled, like a shrink is supposed to when he’s been made a fool of. Tolerant, ‘oh you got me, what ho?’. Dick.

The thing is, though, that Heath really does talk to me. I know he’s dead, alright? I’d be more freaked out if he was alive and talking to me. Cos I was freaked out at first. I know I’m the strange chick that does the freaking to other people these days, but when he first started talking to me I was pretty weirded. I recognised his voice, because I love his movies. Watch them over and over again. Especially Knight’s Tale, which is kinda hokey but cute and has some old but bitching music.

So, funnily enough, it was about homework. And that was the one thing that convinced me that he was for real and I wasn’t actually going nuts. Because surely I wouldn’t imagine a dead Heath coming to talk to me about algebra. That’s some seriously boring shit. I’d be imagining him pledging undying love and having kinky spirit sex with me or something. I’ve read the websites. There’s a whole heap of chicks out there having sex with dead people and loving it. But no, I got help with maths.

See, I was trying to beat this algebra problem into submission, but I just could not get it. I was going nuts. Then I hear this voice in my head saying, “Dude! Add three to both sides! Geeez!” … and the problem was solved. But my problems? Only just beginning. Like, duh.

****

Ironically, the first problem was because of my schoolwork. With Heath tutoring me, my schoolwork suddenly improved. So my teachers – arseholes, every one of them – decided I was cheating. Fucking hell. Do badly, get lectures. Do better, get lectures and questions and lectures and FUCKING DETENTION. See? Arseholes. So I fessed up and told them that Heath Ledger had been helping me. Yes, I did know that he’s dead. Yes, he’s my spirit guide. No, I’m not having kinky spirit sex with him (Geeez! Old enough to be my dad, yuck!). So I managed to move from ‘cheating swine’ to ‘mentally disturbed’ and they all patted me on the head and felt sorry for me. Fucktards. And then my classmates found out that I was ‘channeling Heath’ and wanted autographs. Ummm, he’s dead, people. Autograph season over. Then they stopped being fake nice and went back to ‘nasty bitch’ mode, which they’ve been most of the time I’ve known them. So it’s not like Heath has been bad for my social life. It still sucks pineapples.

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2 Comments

  1. 😀

  2. At least her math grade is improving!


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