Drunks

A maudlin, extremely drunk woman, dressed in a pink faux fur coat and sparkly pink leggings, staggered out of the pub at closing time.

“Alright, I goin!” she slurred, waving her purple fluffy wand at the bartender, “Now behave, or I’ll turn you into a toad, young man!”

A stray spark flew out of the wand and fizzled on the footpath.

The man following her out guffawed loudly.

“Helgifna, luv, evyone knows too much alkyhol makes yer wand fizzle!”

He collapsed onto the footpath in a fit of giggles at his own joke.

Josh very carefully avoided tripping over his prostrate great-uncle, and offered him a hand to get up.

“So I shooda got drunk before that mad chick put a spell on me?” he asked.

“You gotta spell on me…” Herbert crooned tunelessly.

He took Josh’s hand and pulled himself halfway up, then collapsed again, pulling Josh down with him.

“Whoopsadaisy!” he yelled, and giggled.

The bartender pointedly disappeared back into the pub, shut the front door with a bang, and locked it.

“Fuck ’em all!” said Josh, and curled up for a sleep.

“OI! None o’ tha!” Herbert yelled, and poked him in the ribs.

*ping!*

*ping!*

*ping!*

Three suited adults – two men, one woman – stood on the footpath, looking horrified at the scene in front of them.

“Oh dear!”

“Helly, again?”

“Helgifna! Herbert! Is THIS how you look after your charges?”

Helgifna frowned and waved her wand in their general direction.

“Leavus ‘lone, we’re havin’ FUN!” she said.

A few sparks flew out from her fluffy wand this time, and suddenly the three sober elders were stark naked. Herbert giggled helplessly. Josh snored.

The woman looked down and exhaled in frustration.

“HELLY! That suit was brand-new! You – oh for God’s sake, let’s get out of here before things get any worse!”

A passing motorist slowed down so that his passengers could lean out of the windows and wolf-whistle.

“Hrumph!” one of the elder men cleared his throat, “Can we go now? You take Helly, Marla, I’ll take Herbert and Theodore, you take the boy. Right? 1 – 2 -”

“Wait! I need to pee!” Herbert said, and hoisted himself laboriously to his feet. “I know I saw a tree here somewhere… oh, there you are, you naughty thing!”

He staggered to a nearby sapling and relieved himself.

“NOW can we go?”

Josh sat up.

“Who the hell are you?” he asked, looking confused. “And why are you – eurgh -”

He clapped a hand over his mouth, then threw up in his lap.

Theodore rolled his eyes.

“Just my luck!” he growled, “We’ll go via the lake, Marla, see you back at the lounge!”

He pointed his wand at Josh and muttered something. The two of them disappeared with a *ping!*

The other two elders looked at each other with raised eyebrows, then shrugged and pointed their wands at their charges and *ping!*ed away.

The bartender walked around from the side entrance and paused, surprised.

“Huh – wouldn’t have thought they’d be walking far tonight!” he said to himself.

He shrugged and walked to his car. A toadstool waved gently from the back of his head as he moved.

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